"You do not know our culture, our ethics, or the unwritten codes that already provide our society more order than could be obtained by any of your impositions."John Perry Barlow
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It'S Funky February!
Copyright "The Quipping Queen" 2005. IT'S FUNKY FEBRUARY OF COURSE!(Calendar of Odd Events for - FEBRUARY 2005)**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon --Why is everyone so happy?Because it's festive, flirtatious and ...
Just The Fax, M’am
For years, I smugly prided myself as a non-fax machine person. I felt it beneath my dignity to own such a technical contraption. The quill is more my style than a computer but, being practical, I reluctantly use a computer, casting wistful glances at the ...
Twits, Twerps &Amp; Twizzle Sticks
Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2005.TWITS, TWERPS & TWIZZLE STICKS -- Or, there's more to being dumb than you think! --North America, (and some might even go so far as to include a country due north of the 49th parallel known as "The Land of Ice & ...
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Chocolate is Worth Crowing and Laughing About
Chocolate kindles passion and emotion as few things can. It makes us happy and feeds the soul. Besides eating it (over 51 pounds per person per year), people delight in talking about it and making jokes about it. Everything about chocolate makes us feel good.
I'm a true believer. I'm so passionate about chocolate that I created 300 different chocolate products and 26 different fudges when I owned the Chocolate Factory in Branson, Missouri. I've even written a book about it - Old Tyme Chocolate Cookbook.
I've found favorite chocolate jokes cluster around three themes - healthy eating tips (most of which are far from true), flights of fancy, and self-confessions. The tips let you become a co-conspirator in being misled, while acting like the health benefits apply to you.
Healthy Eating Advice about Chocolate
Chocolate covered ginger, raisins, and cherries all count as fruit, so even if you're on a strict diet you can eat as many as you wish.
Achieve the perfectly balanced diet, eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate - they cancel each other out.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your hunger and you'll eat less.
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
Flights of Chocolate Fancy
A young girl was at the dentist for a check up. With much tutting, the dentist examined all her teeth. Finally he announced crossly, "Young lady, you've been eating far too many sweet things. Several of your teeth need filling."
"Oh goody!" she replied happily, "Can
I have chocolate filling please?"
While walking in the woods Douglas saw a young fairy who had fallen into the river and bravely dived in to rescue her. In gratitude the fairy granted Douglas three wishes. He wished for a huge pile of gold, and "poof" there it was. Then he wished for a huge palace, again "poof" and there it was.
Finally he wished he could be irresistible to all women.
There was a blinding flash, a mighty roar and ... poof - he turned into a box of chocolates.
Self-Confessions
Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.
I never met a chocolate I didn't like.
Exercise is a dirty word... Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
There's a thin person inside of me screaming to get out, but I keep her sedated with chocolate.
Nobody knows the truffles I've seen.
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Better than Chocolate Jokes; Eat Some First-Rate Chocolates
Wouldn't you love to master making the kind of chocolate you can't buy from the store? Professional-quality chocolate creations can easily be made at home, even as a beginner. The how-tos I share is simple enough for the whole family to join in. That delivers laughter as a by-product, made all the sweeter by the shared experience.
Visit http://oldtymechocolate.com/home.php and you'll learn about how to make chocolate into an even bigger event in your life. With recipes, chocolate techniques, and history, you'll discover how to turn your chocolate cravings into something to brag about. And laugh about.
About the author:
--Larry Friedlan, Author, Old Tyme Chocolate Cookbook. Make gourmet chocolate like a pro in your own kitchen. Visit http://oldtymechocolate.com/home.phpfor fun, chocolate recipes, and more. larry@OldTymeChocolate.com
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 Fiat India expects to sell 2,500 Linea per month - Reuters
RANJANGAON, India, Nov 21 (Reuters) - The Indian unit of Italy's Fiat (FIA.MI: Quote , Profile , Research , Stock Buzz ) expects to sell 2,500 Linea sedans a month in India, chief executive Rajeev Kapoor said on Friday. "The consumer has become more ...
Yugo Jokes and Elvis (Video) Fun at the Expense of the Yugo - National Ledger
Can we make more fun of a Yugo? The Serbian car was the butt of many jokes when it splashed into the US as an economical car that many dubbed a death ride and a skateon wheels. The car has ended it's production line and that has sent people searching ...
Stuff: Prince William Penis Exposed (Photos) Yugo Jokes as Car Ends ... - National Ledger
Bring on the Yugo jokes and let's take a look at the Prince William photos. Europe brings lots of fun stuff for Friday. Prince William of Wales has been exposed on film and the royal penis is on computer screens worldwide. There hasn't been this much ...
Eurobits: Prince William's Penis (Photo & Video) plus Yugo Jokes - Post Chronicle
The royal staff of Prince William (his penis) has been photographed and no more Yugo jokes as the Serbian auto maker is closing up shop. First thing first, it would seem that the future Monarch's member was shot after he got caught with his pants ...
Spencer native is head spoofer on Onion News Network - Wausau Daily Herald
WASHINGTON — As head writer for the Onion News Network, Carol Kolb is responsible for scripting video pieces that skewer the powerful, the media and Mom and apple pie. The Spencer, Wis., native started as a writer in 1997 with The Onion, the ...
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